Surrender
by meowkoshka
Summary: At the end of everything, after everything she's been through, Rowan is finally able to have a human moment and not be the one everyone is looking to. *Takes place at the end/after the Season 3 Finale*


A few days after everything that happened, we all found ourselves down by the water with Japenese lanterns. I watched Trevor, who seemed just a little bit lighter ever since I found him in the bathroom, with Brandon and Sean, running around as friends-become-brothers would. I looked over to see Elisia wheeling Ash onto the sand before sitting down on his lap and nuzzling herself under his chin. Her smile was so bright and Ash was so at peace to have her in his arms. I looked over at Jai and Tessa, happy to be with each other - both beginning something new.

I felt Hayley's absence so much looking out at everyone. I wished she would've been able to enjoy this moment with us. For the first time, watching everyone together, I felt alone. I bit down hard on my lip, trying to choke back tears as the girls started handing out lanterns and sharpies to everyone. Brandon walked up to me brimming with excitement.

"I enrolled in boarding school." he tells me.

"You did?" I ask, trying to choke back the tears, push the hurt down, and smile.

"I wanna finish high school. I made a deal with my dad." he continues, before breathing in and allowing his classic smirk to come forth. "Some beautiful babe once reminded me that I had choices in my life."

I smiled a little and wrapped my arms around him for a moment. Letting go, I turned to grab a lantern and sharpie from Trevor, giving him a playful nudge. I wrote, "Dunbar" on the thin paper before passing it to Brandon who drew a big smiley face underneath. I looked over to see Elisia had written, "Mom and Dad," Sean, Tessa, and Jai wrote, "Nicki,". On the count of three we lit our lanterns and released them into the sky.

A small tear escaped from the corner of my eye as I watched it rise up and float slowly and gracefully into the sky. My bottom lip quivered once again. I felt Brandon's gaze on me. He looked so serious and concerned. I swallowed everything back and gave him a small smile before looking back up at the lanterns.

The big group of us all sat down and talked as we would occasionally look up at our small memorials in the sky of some of the people we had lost. Just a quickly we would return to conversation amongst the people we had gained.

Slowly, people started to get up noticing how dark and late it was without the blazing light from the lanterns. As I hugged each person goodbye, none of it felt right. Now that there was no task, no mystery, no person to look out for or protect or save, it was almost like everything I had shoved away to get it done was slowly creeping back.

I got into the car with Trevor, and was quiet as we drove home.

* * *

"Rowan?" Trevor called gently. "We're here."

I blinked, noticing that I must've fallen asleep and looked up to see that we had pulled into the driveway. Trevor was already standing outside the car with his door open.

"Oh." I said quietly, shaking myself a little more awake and gathered my bag before getting out. When I stood up, Trevor was waiting to walk together into the front door. He blocked my way when I reached for the handle of the screen door.

"Umm," I began.

"Are _you _okay?" he asked.

I looked up and saw the seriousness in his eyes.

I tilted my head, "Yeah," I said. "Tired. But I'm fine." I reached around him for the handle but he stopped me again.

"I don't believe you." he said strongly. "Rowan, you've been taking care of everyone else this whole time. Since the beginning of it all with Dunbar."

I shifted uncomfortably. "You saved Elisia, made sure Hayley was okay when she came back, worked so hard to figure out KingCobra, you saved Brandon," Trevor paused. "You saved me."

"Someone isn't just tired after all that." Trevor finished.

I sighed, feeling irritated. "Maybe I'm not fine, Trevor." I said sharply. "I can tell you that I'm exhausted, I miss my best friend that ran away, sad because of everything we've gone through-" I stopped myself, taking a deep breath.

"Really Trevor," I said quietly. "I'm just exhausted."

"Can I do anything?" he asked.

I shook my head, feeling hot tears gather. "I'm just gonna go to sleep. Maybe give Elisia a call before bed." I moved around him and entered the house, and walked into my bedroom.

I heard Trevor walk past, talking to someone on the phone.

I dropped my things to the floor and moved to sit at the edge of my bed. I sighed deeply, my posture slouching down and in. I reached for the new phone my dad had gotten for me in my pocket. I so badly wanted to text Hayley and wished I could invite her over for a sleepover. I wanted it to be like life before all the drama - we could watch a movie, eat popcorn, talk about how we would never do all these things that we've had to do to stay alive. The weight of it all was growing heavier. My chest felt like it was growing tighter.

_I didn't lie to Trevor. _I thought. _I am exhausted and sad and lonely. I'm just supposed to be the strong one._

I gasped and jumped at the knock on my bedroom door.

"Rowan? Its me, Brandon."

_Trevor must have called him. _I thought.

"Yeah," I said, not moving from where I was.

The door opened slowly and Brandon poked his head in before totally entering my room. He closed the door behind him and sat down on my bed next to me.

"I'm fine." I said.

"Nobody said you weren't." Brandon replied. "But, nobody would be upset with you if you weren't either."

He placed a hand on the small of my back and reached up with the other to tuck some of my hair behind my ear.

I turned to look at him and he had a deep look on his face, like he was ready to catch me if I fell.

"I'm supposed to be the one who takes care of everyone else." I whisper, tears gathering once again in my eyes. "I should be strong."

Brandon moved off the bed to kneel in front of me. "And you're about to do the strongest thing out there," he whispered.

"What's that?" I ask, feeling more tears gather and my lip quiver.

"Feel." he said, "And grieve."

One tear spilled over my cheek.

"Its okay." he cooed. "I'm here."

Two, three, four tears spilled and before I knew it, I was sliding off of my bed onto the floor where Brandon wrapped two strong arms around me.

"Its okay," he said again. "I have you."

And I just let myself go. And I let myself cry. And I let myself feel everything. I surrendered to the pain and let it wash over me. I surrendered to the guilt I feel for the ways I was mean to Dunbar. The times I didn't let people in. I grieved over the moments where the people that I loved got hurt. I grieved for Nicki. I grieved for Hayley. I grieved for myself.

"You're okay." Brandon whispered again.

"I know I am." I said quietly through my settling tears. "But it just all hurts."

Brandon nodded and pulled me tighter to himself. I held onto him tightly as more tears came forward.

Eventually, my emotions settled and I sat cradled against Brandon, breathing slowly and deeply. "I'm tired, Brandon" I whispered.

Brandon got up slowly and moved to sit me on my bed again. "Where are your pj's?" he asked.

I pointed over to the top drawer of my dresser with Fishy on it. Brandon smiled, tossing Fishy to me to hold as he pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. He gently and lovingly helped me get into my pajamas and tucked me into bed before pulling his shoes off to join me. "This bed isn't really made for two," I said, giggling a little as he squished in.

"Oh yeah?" he said playfully. "Well maybe I'll just take the bed all for myself." He started to nudge me off, bringing forth innocent laughter from me.

Eventually we settled in and he laid an arm across my back, while the other caressed the skin on my arm, running his fingers down to my hands.

"What happens now?" I ask. "How do we go on?"

Brandon inhaled and held it for a moment before exhaling. "We'll figure it out, Rowan." he said placing a kiss on my head. "Day by day. But for now, go to sleep. I'll be here in the morning."

I nodded into his chest, noticing that my eyelids had began to feel quite heavy.

"I love you," I mumbled, barely conscious of the words I was saying.

Brandon gave me another kiss on the head and I could feel him smiling into my hair. "I love you, too."


End file.
